How to find your independence after a break-up!
Establishing your independence after a breakup is honestly a roller coaster. After ending my 5 year relationship... one that I thought was going to last forever. I went through so many cycles. I went from feeling empowered, embracing the single life, and ready to make myself happy; to then feeling really lost and insecure for not knowing how to do that or how to be comfortable being alone without feeling lonely.
In my last relationship, I was called “High Maintenance” and I may be high maintenance, but I’ve learned to maintain myself!
There are certain standards and preferences I have and things that I expect. And a shortcoming of mine was that I used to expect others to step up and meet those for me rather than doing so myself.
This was a huge realization for me when I moved to NYC after my breakup…
It was like life drop kicked me into Manhattan and said, “Welcome to the races!” It forced me to lean into the hard things, figure out solutions for myself, get resourceful — all the things necessary to start fending for myself, establishing true independence, and creating my own happiness.
I thought I had to lower my expectations because when you’re called “high maintenance” there’s usually a negative connotation with it. Like there’s something wrong with you…
But there’s that negative connotation only if you’re expecting other people to fill those voids, step up to meet those expectations, and take care of you. Like I said, part of me was okay with expecting my significant other to do things to meet my needs and expectations… At the time I felt like I could justify being upset or let down or even setting the expectations in the first place because a part of me thought that relationships are a partnership! You’re supposed to lean on each other, right?
But this just leads to toxic relationships, unproductive or unnecessary arguments, and potentially co-dependence… There has to be an element of personal responsibility from both ends. And both people have to carry the mindset that you don’t complete each other, but simply enhance one another. Both people need to be complete on their own and meet their own needs. The other person just adds extra value to your life.
I used to either get upset, disappointed, or feel let down when my partner didn’t meet my needs or follow through on my expectations. OR I used to lower my expectations to make them more easily met, which didn’t make me feel great either.
We don’t have to lower our expectations, we just have to rise to meet them ourselves!
Once you get to a place where you take care of you and make yourself happy, you’re okay being “high maintenance” because you know you can solely take on the load.
So how do you start to establish your independence after a breakup and start to meet your own expectations and needs?
- DISCOVER - You first have to find out what truly makes you happy, which requires you to explore new things, go to different places, meet new people, and get out of your comfort zone. (Most people in relationships become home-bodies and get super comfy, so it’s time to expand and explore)!
- ADVOCATE - Once you discover what makes you happy and get clarity on that, you’ll be able to more easily advocate and vocalize your needs.
- TRUST - You have to begin to trust that there is always a solution. “Everything is figure-out-able” as Marie Forleo says! Whenever you're faced with a stressor, first ask yourself, “Can I handle this on my own?” or “Do I have the answer?” It’s important to ask for help or advice from others. I do it all the time! But I’ve found it helpful to take a crack at it myself first to get comfortable taking care of myself. (P.S. We know how to solve more things than we think we do!)
The only person you can depend on in life is yourself. As soon as we start to show up for ourselves, fill our own voids, and maintain ourselves, we will no longer be disappointed, let down, feel incomplete or alone when our needs aren’t met.
Some food for thought…
- Have you ever thought about your partner “completing you?”
- Have you ever set expectations and been disappointed when they weren’t met?
- Have you ever thought about lowering your expectations to make it easier for people to meet those needs?
What if you started showing up for yourself instead?! How would that make you feel? Would you begin to trust that you can fill your own cup and meet your own needs to improve your relationships?!
